How I Get Ready For A Date

Dating is fun, but let's be honest, it's also a lot of work! Since I'm writing a book on the subject, I figured I would share my simple getting-ready-for-a-date routine with all of you. 

Step One: Shower. Drip shampoo in eyes. Shave legs. Cut knees while shaving and accidentally slice off half a fingernail with my razor. 

Step Two: Moisturize. Forget to band-aid knees before moisturizing. Grit teeth through stinging pain and wipe mix of blood and moisturizer off legs. 

Step Three: Face Makeup. Over-contour in the hope that Kardashian cheekbones will distract him from my emotional problems and double-jointed elbows. 

Step Four: Eye Makeup. When in doubt, blend then blend some more! Apply uneven liquid eyeliner and end up over-applying in repeated attempts to even it out. Guys think Catwoman is hot right?!

Step Five: Style Hair. Burn hands on flatiron. Repeat until I'm 80% sexier. 

Step Six: Eat a hamburger. Everyone knows hot girls don't eat in public. 

Step Seven: Get dressed. Try on five different bras to figure out which one makes my boobs look biggest. Finally settle on the most uncomfortable one.

So there you have it! This simple seven-step routine helps me put my best (emotionally unstable) foot forward. Plus, it guarantees that the guys I date never get to know the real me (or my love of hamburgers). ;)